Happy Birthday To Me!

Who knew anyone was reading this? Apparently at least one person is. I have also shared other writings with her that I have not made public, which have meant more to her and were better constructed. I'm just not willing to share it all with the world though.

This is the time of year for a lot of new beginnings. School is back in session now or soon for most students. My oldest son begins preschool in less than two weeks (Hallelujah!). His orientation will be on Tuesday, September 2, which also happens to be my birthday. Seems like a good beginning in a lot ways.
I always try to write something in my diary each year on my birthday (or the day after). This year won't be much of a problem for me due to the fact that I seem to be writing a lot these days. The beginning of September was always a mix of emotions for me. Of course I was excited for my birthday, but since I was never really liked school and the first day typically fell on my birthday, the day was always met with something close to dread. Even as an adult, when I decided on a teaching career, that lasted a mere two years, the old anxiety crept into my body. That was not the career for me. Every day felt like the first day of school. No one needs to live like that.
Birthdays are the best time for New Year's Resolutions. Just because you don't vow to exercise more, eat less or whatever you yourself always promise yourself on the first of the year with millions of others, doesn't make it any less important. It is more personal to make Birthday Resolutions.
So looking back at this past year (because isn't that what birthdays are about-glancing at the past and turning toward the future?) I can say how much I have changed and grown. Of course I still tend to judge people when I should give everyone a little more slack, nag my husband, complain about annoying things, and yell at my kids. But I have also changed for the better too. Trying to carve out a little bit of a place for myself. This year it has struck me how I have lost my true self as I was busy trying to establish a teaching career, birthing and raising kids, starting an at-home business and focusing on everyone but me. So this year I resolve to put even more time into me. Hopefully that won't take away from my family, but it might even do us all good, if I can slip away for a bit and come back refreshed and ready to go. Happy birthday to me!

Burst

I’ve had a sudden burst of creativity. It’s different then what I’ve had at other times of my life-primarily because it involves writing to describe the visual. Not like when I used to apply the visual to capture life.

In talking with my therapist, she noted that my oldest son Liam, who seems to know how to press every button to aggravate me, may require the same creative outlet that I need. We have always known that he does better when given a job to do and while he is only 4 years old I am try to come up with jobs to keep him active. The other day I handed him my point-and-shoot digital camera in order to distract him during a visit with a friend. He had spent the first two hours of the visit whining and throwing tantrum after tantrum. But once he started photographing his mood changed. He must have taken 40 photos and some of them were good! So I need to somehow guide Liam to use those talents for constructive creativity (does cutting his brother’s hair count as constructive?).

In the meantime I am left with a flood of my own creative ideas that need to be expressed, yet at the detriment to my family, since it takes time. Of course when I was younger I had time to devote to art and myself. Now as a mother of two my life is filled with serving my children. How can I take the time to be creative when I can’t even use the bathroom in private?

I don’t know who I am writing this for, other than me….it’s a diary of sorts.